Have you ever wondered how someone moves on after many life losses, tragedies and big bumps in the road?
I know my life may appear to the outsiders like it's easy, that it's always filled with sunshine and rainbows and happy smiles.
I'd like to share with you a journey , one that may inspire you, open your heart and even make you cry.
At the age of 2, I was to attend my very first funeral. I recall the details even to this day. I don't remember being sad. I remember being curious about life and death, I remember kissing my uncle and supporting my aunt kneeling at the coffin. She was so gentle explaining things to me that I never had a fear of dying.
Life was going to bring me a multitude of situations where loved ones would die at young ages. This was going to gift me a sense of a world that most people never see or understand. I was going to embark upon a journey of greater understanding, wisdom and courage.
My mother died unexpectedly when I was only 18. This was a shock! My best friend, how could that be?? For many years I searched for her in the faces of other women. I always had a sense she was close, but it took me almost 25 years to accept her physical passing.
I also had 2 brothers that would also die respectively at 39 and 45 unexpectedly. Another shock to our family. I would question why and yet I just 'knew'.
Each time someone was being called to the spirit world, I would have a dream. A dream that may come to me a week before or years before. I never knew quite what to do with them or who exactly would be leaving. I only had a sense and a little information through symbols or pictures of what may happen. I never had fear though.
For example: 3 months prior to the passing of my 39 year old brother, I had a dream. I saw a man with dark brown hair and mustache, but his face was white, covered. I knew there was a sense of urgency and I saw a hand reach up for help. I woke up extremely concerned. I told my husband, who wasn't the type who believed in dreams or anything meta physical. I knew his brother had not been home and there was a family concern for him. I 'assumed' something may have been wrong since he fit the physical description.The family found him and he was safe.
Yet, there was still that churning inside of me. What was it? A few months later my family would gather at my home. My brother was so proud of his accomplishments in life and joyfully sharing with my father his wonderful stories of success. Everyone was happy and having a great time.
Then, the call came a few weeks later. NO!!!! How could this be? My brother had been upstate NY with some ex Viet Nam vets. They play these 'war games' with paint balls. There had been a huge snow storm, but they played anyway. Suddenly, the paint hit his body and he fell. He didn't move. His buddies thought he was clowning around, as he was known to do frequently. No movement. Nothing. His dark hair could be seen as his face was down in the snow. A cry for help with no words, no actions and then.... no breath. He was gone. Life as we all knew it would never be the same.
My brother would come to me in dreams. He would tell me things. Then one night he was taking furniture out of his childhood room he shared with our older brother. I told him to stop taking his bed!!! He said, you don't understand, we are preparing! 18 months later we would receive another call. Devastating our family once again, my older brother would come home from work, go to his room to change and work out and never come to the dinner table.... ever again.
For years I wondered why God allowed me these visions, knowing I could not do anything with it to prevent these deaths. I wondered why me? I didn't understand for many years until...
The greatest tragedy was to come upon me in 1998!
I was extremely successful in my business! Life was good! I had a trip planned to Egypt and my new husband was working towards his dreams and goals too.
Most of my goals were accomplished for the year, so far. I was excited to be journeying to Egypt in January 1999 with educator and author Carolyn Myss. We moved into our new home after being married only 6 months! There was some stress, I will admit, with the move and my husband was diligently studying for college exams and I was making decisions about expanding my school and holistic center. He was also combating an addiction to Oxycontin and vowed he would be free of this by the end of the year.
I wrote in my journal one evening I wanted peace in my life. We were having a rough few weeks and it was draining. You know what they say " be careful what you ask for and be very specific".
My newly wedded husband was going to teach me a huge lesson of courage very soon in my life. One I would take with me each day of my life. One that would allow me to gain clarity, to teach through spirit, to see beyond my physical eyes and to know that God was always there for me.
It would be Christmas week when the tragedy would jolt me through the unimaginable. Just as the universe was created through chaos, I would be thrown in to an atomic explosion. The morning was quiet. The christmas tree was up. We had a wonderful evening together and I was working on my book when he went to bed after a fun day of wrapping presents.
He had a restless evening and woke up not feeling well. I was cleaning the house in preparation for Christmas. I could not imagine what was about to happen and I can only say I'm blessed to have my connection with God who would be with me every step of the way.
A week went by..... missing. He was gone! Where? Why? We searched everywhere. I prayed. The medicines he had been taking, I was told by a pharmacist, were contraindicated and his brain literally snapped. He was gone... gone ......but where?
I would have courage to get up, to move on to see what needed to be seen. It was surreal!
Then the call would come... after a week of intense heartache, no sleep, worrying, mystery, fear of the worse, searching day and night, the call... the inevitable call.
Mame, can we come to your house? The officer would like to chat with you personally about your husband. I opened the door to see a very young rookie police officer. He asked to come in.
The christmas tree was decorated, the presents were still there, no one opened anything, on this dreary cold and snowy December 28th. Life was about to change drastically. Time had stopped on that morning, a week ago, when my husbands mind snapped! I recalled how he yelled, he kicked things, he threw things ... who was this person? Where did he go? Why was this happening?
Mame, we found your husband.... I don't remember what was said next. I remember banging my hand on the counter top so hard. I remember losing my vision and my body was numb. Then I screamed, tribally screamed! NOOO!!!!!!!
Silence! There was nothing. Darkness, sadness, but calm. I looked at the young man and said "I'm sorry". He didn't understand why I said it, but I knew this was not easy for him. I knew all the officers who were working on the case, who had no compassion, didn't have the courage to come see me and sent him to bear this news. I knew they knew they made a big mistake this last week. Forgiveness, for they know not.
They had found his body near a stream laying in the snow. He had gone into respiratory failure. His truck was stuck in the mud and I would never see his face again.
My best friend was there with me. Thank goodness for her support and understanding. We could feel the presence of my husband's spirit. We would soon have a gathering for prayers and I would spend the next year in deep dark depression.
A month later was my scheduled trip to Egypt. I was supposed to go on my life long trip. I was in bed daily, numb. Nothing mattered anymore. I wanted to die too. I could not go into teach or govern my business. I really didn't care quite honestly. I never experienced such a dark space. How could I go anywhere, so soon. I didn't care ... I just didn't give a crap!
My husband was with me though, I could see him, feel him and touch him. My counselor encouraged me to keep this gateway open.
I know my daughter would leave me green drinks for nourishment each day and later I would find out she made me a concoction of Bach flower remedies for the depression. She was the angel who was going to not only get me through this, she would blossom in her own life!
Time stood still. I remember one evening, looking out on a veranda and before my eyes were the pyramids at sunset. How did I get here?
The next 3 weeks were going to show me another side of life and death. I will experience magical and mystical events that would forever shift my perception and reality. I would take all these teachings into my life, my workshops, my books and my retreats. I would open to a world of guidance that is so close to all of of us , if we choose to see and feel. I would get to experience walking in a different dimension and realized my frequency was not the same as the group and very few people were able to see me, literally. I had no fear. I felt strong! I was not there to shop or have a vacation. I would see and experience so many things that were not 'part of the trip', but part of my journey.
God brought me here and planned this my entire life, so that I would learn and I would step into my power and awaken to the world that would guide me forever in all I do. I always knew I had to go to Egypt, I just didn't know it would gift me a level of wisdom and grant me the vision to see. I had no idea that my teachings would allow me the clarity to help others gain direction until I had the courage to walk through the veil. My courage came through faith! Each day of my life I see God work mysteriously in all that happens. I must pay attention. I must listen and I must have the courage to take the next steps.
For now, I leave you with the thought that nothing is as it seems ...nothing. Your life is greater than you imagined. Your purpose is seeking you. Are you ready? Are you willing? are you courageous enough to walk the journey and explore the labyrinth of your soul?Bless you all on your journey.... gloria